


Someday

by sabinelagrande



Category: Saikano
Genre: Break Up, Community: fandom_charity, Dreams, F/M, POV First Person, Sexual Fantasy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-01-09
Updated: 2006-01-09
Packaged: 2017-10-06 10:46:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/52848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sabinelagrande/pseuds/sabinelagrande
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shuji just wants to write a normal letter to his normal girlfriend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Someday

**Author's Note:**

  * For [stanleynickels](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=stanleynickels).



"Dear Chise,"

I've been stuck on these two words for an hour and a half. I don't remember why I'm writing this. I haven't even seen our diary in weeks. I don't even know if I'm allowed to write to her like this since we broke up.

"How are you? I am better. Almost nobody is coming to school anymore. It's gotten kind of boring. I wish you'd come back."

I scratch out the last sentence. She doesn't need me making her feel worse about what she has to do. But what am I supposed to do? I want to take care of her, but I know I can't. Am I supposed to stop caring?

"The garden is surviving. The cucumbers are just starting to grow. I wish you were here to share them with us."

Now I sound like a complete idiot. I put my head down on my desk. I'm getting tired of it all- there are too many things to worry about, too much to get done, and none of it seems to have much purpose. I close my eyes. The soft noises from the street have a rhythm to them, and it's soothing to my aching head.

Then the door opens and she's standing there in a soft cotton shirt and skirt. I bolt up, I start to ask questions, I try to stammer out something, but as usual I'm struck dumb. She doesn't say anything either, just stares at me with her little half smile.

Before I can get my head back together, she walks up to me. She pushes me softly, and I fall back into my chair. Chise laughs at me behind her hand, then leans down and kisses me. Just like that, no tears, no worries, no awkward moments. I'm so overwhelmed that I just pull her down into my lap, almost crushing her against me. Chise smiles and strokes my hair. Then she lets her lips roam all over my face, finally working down and settling on my neck.

Chise straddles me and starts to unbutton my shirt, tracing her kisses down my chest. Hot guilt comes over me- for a second, her face blends with Fuyumi's. But then she whispers my name, and I know it's her. I know this is right.

She leans up and kisses me softly on the lips. Then Chise pulls her shirt over her head and throws it to the floor, just like that, no hesitation. I can see it in her eyes- she's not afraid anymore. And for once, neither am I. I'm not afraid that I'm going to hurt her or that I'm forcing anything upon her.

The crack in her chest is still there, but I don't care. It's just a part of her, one more facet of the person I can't help but love. My hands move up over her stomach to her breasts; I look up to her for permission and she just smiles at me. Her bra joins her shirt on the floor. Her skin is so smooth, so soft under my hands that I almost don't believe it's real. For a moment, I get the feeling that none of this is real.

I lean forward and take her breast into my mouth, and I know it's real. Her skin is so cold, but I can feel it warming under me. She takes my hand and slides it down her stomach, down over her skirt. The fabric bunches up around her waist; I realize that she's not wearing anything underneath. She brushes my fingers against her, and she's warm and wet. I'm so relieved I almost laugh- it's not me she's doing this for. I don't need to feel guilty.

I can't understand why I ever worried about this, when it's perfect. She's not like Fuyumi, she's not like anyone. She's just Chise, and I love her. I can't help but love her. Not because of this, but because of everything she is.

She grinds against my fingers and whispers that she's ready, and I can't do anything but nod. I fumble my pants open with my free hand, feeling suddenly awkward. She reaches down and wraps her hand around me, and I gasp.

The world fades; I'm lost for a moment in that same unreal, weirdly hazy feeling. But then she's over me and I'm pushing up into her, and nothing has ever felt so real. This is how I've always wanted it to be: no more tears, no more worries.

Then the world gets hazy and bleeds out. I try to hold on, but it won't stay. I come to, hard and lonely, forehead hurting where I'd accidentally been resting on my pencil.

Is this how it's going to be? Having filthy dreams about the girl who isn't even supposed to love me anymore? All I wanted to do was be happy with Chise. Is it going to end like this instead?

I pick up the pencil, turn the page, and start writing again. The words just start coming, and I'm barely paying attention to them.

"Come back to school. They're just using you, and you don't have to let them. Please don't let them change you. They don't have any right to.

It isn't easy for me, Chise. I know it's not easy for you, either, but we could make it together.

I want to be with you. I don't care if you think you're going to hurt me. I want to be with you even if it means getting hurt. I want to make love to you. I know it makes me bad and perverted and wrong, but I still want to, and I don't know if I can change.

You don't have to be stronger, because you are strong. You are stronger than I could ever be.

I love you."

I stare at the paper. It's barely legible, tears blotting the writing in places. I tear it up. Maybe some day, but not today.


End file.
